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Super plonk
What is it about red wine that makes it so eminently suitable for spilling over and, in some cases, throwing directly at people? I am inclined to take the charitable view and regard it as a ritual, one designed to convey to the victim good wishes for a healthy life. New research offers some justification for this notion, finding that resveratrol, a compound in red wine, can "extend the life span of every organism" that takes it, according to David Sinclair, of Harvard Medical School in Boston, who led the study. This bears out the hypothesis that the jars buried with eminent mummies, identified as the containers of red wine, were there as symbols of the life-enhancing properties of the liquid to which ancient upper-caste Egyptians were partial (Tutankhamun, for example, was devoted to red). Had she known this, would Anna Ford have been so happy to throw red wine all over the detestable Jonathan Aitken? Had Bill Clinton been aware of red wine's virile side, would he have been so embarrassed to have knocked a glass of the stuff over Indian prime minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee at a reception at the White House in September 2000? And, thus doused, would Mr Vajpayee, aware of the good wishes soaking his jacket, have sat there not in stony, tight-lipped silence, but thanked his host for the generous libation?
The most recent recipient of red wine was Australia's prime minister, John Howard, who, in July, had a cup of red wine hurled in his direction during a protest in Melbourne. The well-wisher was arrested and is currently on bail, so it is not yet known if his defence when he appears in court will be based on any of the above. I suppose it all hinges on whether he was a Frenchman or not.
All of the red wines that follow are highly recommended as healthy missiles, removed from their bottles of course, and it is up to readers to decide who are the most deserving recipients of each. It is important to stress here that if you wish to show strong disapproval of someone, then it is vinegar ( vinaigre, or sour wine) you must dispatch, though in such cases expensive vinegars, such as balsamic or herb-flavoured concoctions, are to be avoided lest the victim gets totally the wrong idea and embraces you.
Who deserves to be doused in Morrisons' splendid Wyndham Bin 555 Sparkling Shiraz (16.5 points out of 20, £7.99)? This Australian is a superb bubbly of vivid richness (yet finishing dryness), offering tannins, light raspberries and clove-edged blackberries. It can be used to dunk strawberries in or, even better, to partner game dishes with a fruit sauce. Best of all, of course, it can be used to congratulate particularly unguent, fizzily ambitious politicians who aspire to greater power. Peter Hain, for example, is the perfect choice, for he seems to imagine himself a future prime minister. He really deserves this wine and, if you are having a whip-round, please count me in.
Gerard Bertrand Coteaux du Languedoc Les Terrasses Quartenaires 2001 (16 points, £6.48, Asda) offers an intense, grilled chocolate finish. Leading up to this emphatic finale, the berries express themselves dryly and characterfully, and my nomination for recipient number one is Mel Gibson. The colour of this wine - deep, rich, Eucharistically crimson - will appeal to him enormously (or anyone else with an above-average blood lust). Or you can try him out on the same retailer's Casillero del Diablo Cabernet Sauvignon 2003 (16.5 points, £5.47). It shows colourful, chewy berries of charm, concentration and class.
With the Co-op's Atlantique Cabernet Franc 2003 (16.5 points, £4.99), we have a superb modern example of this grape, in its best vintage in Loire for at least half a decade, if not much longer, and the bottle's screwcap will hold all its complex tannins together. It is classy, rich, finely knitted and hugely joyous, with that distinctive finishing tang of lead pencils (or slate roofs, depending on one's metaphoric stomach for heights). Who deserves it? Difficult to say. I'm inclined to nominate the mechanic who insisted my bicycle was past repair and I should spend £400 on a new one. Naturally, I ignored his advice, took the machine elsewhere and had it serviced along with a few new parts (£75 less VAT), and, I tell you, Lance Armstrong now has nothing on me up some of those north London hills.
At Budgens there is Lazy Lizard Syrah Vin de Pays d'Oc 2002 (16 points, £4.49), which offers very attractive layers of faintly burned cherry/berry fruit with mild but charming tannins. Deserving of a glass of this is the wine critic - she shall be nameless - who said to me she wouldn't be seen dead in a store like Budgens, so what was the point of covering its wines? I think this aromatic red, dripping from her nose and ears, would add immeasurably to her charm and likability (and, should she imbibe, increase her life span, if we are to believe Dr Sinclair).
Cono Sur Pinot Noir 2003 (16 points, £5.03, Tesco), from Chile, has to be offered to any one of the many wine merchants who each season shower me with balderdash about the latest Burgundy vintage and how irresistible it is.
To be sure, this example of pinot is a touch brash as it opens up, but it is sleek, lithe, gamy, and deliciously discreet thereafter.
· More delicious missiles, red, white, rose, sparkling and fortified, can be found at superplonk.com